Pete and Dud in the 21st Century
Dud gets his head stuck in a crocodile's jaws
Dud: The same thing happened to me the other day. You know how I enjoy an early dip down the Dagenham baths?
Pete: Yer although I think your interest in swimming is more to do with the variety of…
Dud: Busty substances…
Pete: …busty substances on view rather than the health benefits of the cardiovascular exertion Dud.
Dud: Well anyway Pete I was taking a swim, you know, swimming back and forth…
Pete: To and fro, Dud, as you do.
Dud: To and fro, Pete, and suddenly I felt a sort of pressure on my head. I thought, “funny”…
Pete: You felt a sort of pressure that wasn't normally associated with the comparatively simple act of swimming in two feet of suspiciously foggy water?
Dud: Yer, I thought funny, sudden pressure on my head, funny. So I reached up and there was bloody crocodile jaws crushing my skull.
Pete: Crocodile jaws crushing your skull. Are there in fact a lot of crocodiles down the Dagenham baths around the corner from the dyeworks Dud?
Dud: Normally very few Pete.
Pete: Very few crocodiles. Almost none in fact I'd've thought Dud.
Dud: Well it may have been an alligator Pete.
Pete: I think it is more likely, Dud, if we are to believe the premise of your story, that the animal was a crocodile as alligators are fresh-water creatures and the baths on the Highgate Road cannot by any stretch of the imagination be thought of as “fresh”.
Dud: I think you're right Pete.
Pete: Anyway what did you do, having discovered you were being unexpectedly crushed between the massive jaws of a crocodile that was thinking of you as breakfast?
Dud: Well I sort of prised the jaws off and swam back to the edge.
Pete: You weren't having that sort of thing, Dud.
Dud: Well no and I went and told matron.
Pete: I expect matron was surprised by the sight of you with blood gushing from your nut through a variety of massive holes caused by the razor-sharp mandibles of one of man's only natural predators.
Dud: There was comparatively little blood Pete, so matron said to have a cup of tea and lie down for half an hour.
Pete: Nothing like a nice cup of tea, Dud.
Dud: Nothing like a nice cup of tea, Pete.
Pete: I think you were quite lucky there Dud, when that happened to Mr Turner the chemist, they didn't find most of him for three weeks and they had to drain the baths.